Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Things My Wife Complains About: #5 Trying to Win Competitions

Long after she had ensnared me, my wife extolled the virtues of being difficult, pronouncing that men enjoy competitions and, accordingly, working to earn the affections of women. She pointed out that this is why men enjoy playing sports, playing video games, etc. She seemed pretty pleased with herself. You can imagine my surprise, then, when my wife complained about my fulfilling the destiny she had determined for me. More precisely, she complained that I came in first in a Go Kart race, arguing that if I loved her, I would have committed myself to making sure she enjoyed her time Go Karting instead.

Here's what I like to do in a Go Kart: hang back until I get to a wide turn; jam my cart into the nose of the next cart, pushing it into the wall until it spins around and ideally begins smoking; win.

Here's what my wife likes to do in a Go Kart: take pictures; lose.

My wife also intimated that I came in first not because I enjoy winning but because I would rather spend time with the girls at the front of the race. Go Kart tracks are up there with art galleries and martini bars for the best places to score hot chicks.

Me: "That seat belt looks great on you."

Hot Chick: "Thank you. I can see that your advanced driving is suggestive of sexual performance."

Proposed solutions!

1) Cease to find pleasure in winning, committing myself to a life of mediocrity.
2) Drive backward to assure I can't win.
3) Bribe other drivers, including children who constitute most Go Kart drivers, to drive slowly and poorly, so wife can win (hard).


Julie said...

Or you could take the pictures FOR your wife, relieving her of her obligation to record every moment and leaving her free to unleash her true inner winner....

eralon said...


JDStern said...

This man doesn't lie about his karting technique. You can just ask one of the stoned employees at Grand Prix Race-o-Rama who had to run out on to the track with a fire extinguisher.

M said...

how dare you try and reduce kclou's superiority complex. For shame!

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