Mom's Time

Here we are again. Just as what happened with Dad, mom is no longer able to talk or live, but we must still wait for death. All I can do for her is make sure she gets adequate pain medication by watching her for signs of pain and advocating for her with nurses and doctors. At night, her boyfriend Bob and I take turns sleeping in her room. We never leave her alone, but this is a very painful and lonely time for all of us. Just like with Dad, I don't want to write about her in past tense, but I do want to write about her, so I'll do it in this strange in-between time.

Mom

Back when mom had me there were no sonograms but she claims she knew she was having a girl and bought only baby girl clothes. If she said so, it had to be so. Back then, fathers waited outside the delivery room so she is the first person I ever met, and the person I've known the longest.

 

Getting to know each other

So who is she? She is beautiful. She has always been beautiful, but like a fairytale princess with a strange curse, with each year she has grown lovelier.

1972, with her parents ar her quinceañera

1985, her wedding to my dad (age 28)

2004, my graduate school graduation (age 47)

2006 (age 49)

2009, my wedding (age 52)

For many people, one of the greatest revelations of her character was when my dad was dying of cancer. She was at my dad's side every day, all day, throughout his illness. She advocated for him and slept on a cot by his side in the hospital for a week. I was surprised that some people were surprised. She has always been a good person to go to in need or illness. A rainy weather friend or a dancing friend. She has always been an advocate and she has never been afraid to be disliked in her advocacy. Now that she is dying, I am standing in her shoes as a caregiver, and they are expensive high heels that I find difficult to walk in.

Our last Christmas together 2009

Twenty-fifth Anniversary 2010

She is strong, independent, and a fierce fighter. I am not like her in this regard, but it's not too late for me to grow in that direction. She can be loyal, but if she needs to, she can start over again. After my dad passed away, she had to pull together a life all over again. She had to find a job more than once, she had to change apartments, she had to fight cancer. No one wants to do all that, much less repeatedly, but she pulled herself up over and over again and did it.

And that goes for double for love. After a love like my dad, most people wouldn't realize that there was still more love in the world for them. But she has always believed that everyone deserves a true deep love. More to the point, she believes, and so do I, that kind of love is attainable for everyone. Not all love is the same, but as she said- it's what most of this trip is about. She started dating Bob in February 2012.

Bob and Mom, June 2012

Wild girl with Bob, June 2013

Meeting Miranda, April 2014

Mom and Bob at a wedding, 2015

Weekend lunch dates with Bob, 2016

Her other loves- James:

Meeting James, 2011

Nap time


Kisses, 2013

Kisses, 2015

Miranda:

Meeting Miranda, 2014


Hair bows! 2014


Tickling, 2015



Reading, 2015

Lipstick, 2016

Mother's Day 2017

And her other loves, her friends and other family:

60th Birthday

Bob's family

Brunch

Onel and Tania

Dancing night

Fancy Tea with Yayas

Cousins Moises and Magaly

High School Friends

Work friends from Alice & Olivia

Dinner

Diner with Sandy and Yvonne

Elaine, Richard, and Griffin

Her oncology nurses

Sylvia, mom, Arelys, Yohana

Jen, Ampy, mom, and me

Family picture

I love my mother and will miss her. I also think the world will miss her love and style, more than they know.

Hollywood style, even in the middle of cancer treatments

Mom Update- October 2017

After Richard and Elaine visited on Saturday, Bob sat with Mom for a while. She was cold so he tucked her in and stepped out for a minute. At some point, I randomly decided to check on her and she was shaking. I tried to wake her up but she couldn't respond so I called that at-home hospice number and they talked me through giving her some dissolving morphine and a sedative. They sent a nurse out afterward.

Since then she's been unable to get up or swallow. She had a few bites of a bagel she was craving on Saturday morning. On Sunday she started talking a little more again, so Bob got her some Ensure to drink since it has extra nutrients. She took two sips. She kept having a few sips of water here and there but since she can't swallow pills we're not sure how much water she was getting and then she stopped getting any water aside that which I mixed with her dissolving meds.

Her pain med requirements kept going up Monday and Tuesday. With at-home hospice every time I needed her dosage increased I had to call and explain that she was in pain, and then wait for the prescription to be changed. I'm obviously not a skilled nurse and moving her minimally for care hurts her too. I finally moved her back to in-patient hospice care so that they can administer morphine through an IV and care for her in a more skilled way. Her room has a pull-out couch so I'm staying here throughout the day and I'm sleeping overnight.

I've been meeting all the friends she made on the staff the first time she stayed here. She chatted with everyone and everyone has mentioned how she put on her makeup each day she was here last time. No one expected her back so soon.

KonMari- Dad's Books 2015

My other problem was that I had kept about 26 boxes of my dad's books after he passed away. After 4 years, I had still reduced or read very few of them. I had tried just looking through them, getting a friend to help (hi Ash!), and finally doing one author letter at a time. The last strategy was going a little better... but still really slow.

Enter Marie Kondo. In three days, the books I chose to keep are in three bookshelves, and hundreds of books that I would not have ever read were donated. I was shocked how much clarity I had in the book selection after 4 years of being totally confused. When I look at the bookshelves they spark joy! I want to read the books, and the arrangement reminds me of being at home and visiting my dad.

Suddenly I have clarity on my dad's books! Donate! Donate!

 

Less than half the number I started with, but still, admittedly, a lot.

Okay, we still have a lot of books. We probably always will. But when I look at them they make me happy now in a way they did not before. They don't stress me or make me feel guilty. They make me look forward to pulling the next adventure off the shelf.

Grandma Catherine Passed Away 2014

Grandma Catherine passed away last week just shy of 95 years old. She was married for 66 years, and she had four children, four grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. In the end, I knew her for 29 years, and I had more years with her than with my dad.

Wedding Day 1942


1957- I don't have one with Maura or with Richard not hiding

I have lost a lot of important people in my life. That's in part the consequence of the blessing of having a lot of important people in my life in the first place. All that death has taught me to appreciate people while they're still here. My heart rests easy this time, because I visited Grandma Catherine frequently and always treated her with respect.

1985- Grandpa Jim, mom (28), dad (35- and exactly my age now), Grandma Catherine (65)

Grandma Catherine was my dad's mother, and I met her for the first time probably when I was six. I think at that time, she might have had some vague idea that I was Mexican. (I am not.) I spoke English, but my Spanish accent was thick, and my vocabulary was extremely limited. Suffice to say, it took a while to get to know each other. But she and Grandpa Jim still lived in Ridgewood, NJ back then, so occasionally she'd pick me up from school and bring me back to her place. I'd chase around Max their dachshund (fabled to eat rocks). And sometimes I'd sleep in Aunt Maura's old bedroom-- I remember I loved the wallpaper in that room because it seemed so girly. I still love wallpaper in general. 

Back then, Thanksgiving was new because my Cuban family never celebrated the holiday. So every Thanksgiving meant dad's family and Grandma Catherine's cooking. She'd meticulously plan each meal, and when she sat down at Thanksgiving dinner, she'd immediately start talking about what we'd have for breakfast the next morning (inevitably French toast). And we'd look forward to the next day's turkey sandwiches. I still have happy memories of the Thanksgiving that Uncle Richard and Uncle Nick (Bob) smooshed together all their sides mostly gross out my mom and delight me.

Thanksgiving, it was always tough to get Grandma Catherine to sit

Since the whole family got together at Thanksgiving we did Christmas presents then too, and since there were so many people we did secret Santa. Uncle Kevin used to get me the best books even when he didn't draw our family. I still remember the illustrated children's Encyclopedia I pored over for years. (Who knows how much I owe to him and that one gift?)

Christmas in November

Here's one of my favorite pictures of Grandma Catherine- she looks amazing and happy. It's Richard and Elaine's family engagement party (I think) and my mom took her to buy that outfit. You can tell she knows she looks good.

 Richard and Elaine's Engagement Party, 1989

Grandma Catherine met us in Disney in 1990

After Grandma Catherine and Grandpa Jim moved from New Jersey to Cape Cod, and after Graham was was born, Thanksgivings moved to the Cape. She was overjoyed when her other three grandkids were born.

Graham born!

Grandma C, Bob, me, and Graham, Thanksgiving 1993


Mom and Rachel, Thanksgiving 1993

Grandma Catherine and Grandpa Jim were at my 8th grade, high school, and college graduations.

Day of my high school graduation 1997


After my college graduation 2001

After college, I started going to the Cape more regularly with my parents- once in the summer and once at Thanksgiving. She also met a couple of my boyfriends during this time and wasn't too impressed.

Grandma C reading to Griffin 2000


Grandma C and Griffin, Thanksgiving 2003


Thanksgiving 2004

Then Kevin and I started dating and he had family in the Cape too, so we started going even more frequently. Grandma Catherine instantly liked him when she met him. She had good taste. This is also around the time she started talking to me like an adult and I discovered she had - in Massachusetts parlance- a wicked sense of humor.

Visiting with Kevin during Christmas Week 2007

Surprise Cape Cod family bridal shower 2009


Our Irish grandmas- Ruth and Catherine 2009

Grandma Catherine had a blast at my wedding. There are pictures and video to prove it.

Shute family at cocktail hour- missing Maura but she's two pictures below

Dancing like crazy during the reception at 89 years old

Almost the whole family- set up the timer 2009

My dad looked a lot like Catherine, and after he passed away I searched for him in her face. Unlike my dad, Grandma Catherine was able to meet both the kids. She met Miranda in June, and we saw her again a few weeks ago after Thanksgiving. There was really nothing else I could have asked for, except for Graham, Rachel, and Griffin to have her a little longer.

Feeding James at 2 months old 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

With Kevin and James in 2012

Meeting Miranda 2014

June 2014

• Other posts about Grandma Catherine