Things My Wife Complains About #21: Seeking Her Best Interests

James is on a pretty regular schedule now. He wakes up between 5 and 6 am and goes to bed at 6:30 pm. During those thirteen hours or so, he takes one nap, and all of this is normal for a kid his age. My wife wakes up with James most days, and she's understandably tired and solicitous of a wake-me-up like coffee or amphetamines or high-grade cocaine. I prepare the coffeemaker for her before bed, and when I hear the whirr of the beans grinding, I know she's making coffee and James is dancing, as he thinks the whirr is a particularly good song. He has very bad taste in music.

When I don't hear the beans grinding, I know she's going to be mood challenged and I'm going to be accused of not showing sufficient sympathy or breathing too loudly or impregnating her in the first place or not impregnating her again or nothing at all, followed by a loud accusation that I'm ignoring her. Usually, I've already started grinding the beans or cutting the cocaine by this point, but recently my wife pointed out that I'd suggested she have coffee AFTER her nap. She naps with James. From her tone, you might have guessed that I'd suggested she join the Taliban. We had the following conversation:

Me: I thought you might sleep better.
Her: You made me this way.
Me: I wanted you to be rested for the day.
Her: Do you understand that this is your fault?
Me: Maybe we should make you some coffee.
Her (bending her arms in the matter of a tyrannosaurs rex): RARRR
James (getting his head stuck between the chair and the wall): RARRRRRR

Possible solutions!

1) Brew decaf coffee and hope for the placebo effect
2) Follow a morning stimulant with a morning depressant, like whiskey
3) Get James to nap by himself (hard)

Dinosaurs at rest.

Things My Wife Complains About: #2 Allowing Her to Nap

While showering before work yesterday, I committed the previously unknown crime of allowing her to take a nap on the couch. When she awoke, she chastened me for allowing this nap to happen, pointing out that had I brought her coffee in the middle of my shower, her nap probably wouldn't have happened. These solutions propose themselves!

Proposed solutions!

1) Interrupt shower to serve wife coffee (hat tip to wife).
2) Shower in middle of night while wife is already sleeping.
3) Hook coffee IV to wife's arm, provided bag is weightless (hard).

Blowing Through Nap Time (2008)