It's fall, which means it's apple picking time! As someone who has long enjoyed apples, what greater pleasure could I take than paying to pick my own dirty, worm-infested apples? I'm so tired of buying clean, tasty apples that someone else picked and washed. I enjoy pork, too, but it's not like I get to slaughter my own pigs in an abbatoir, alongside hundreds of other tired families. Lame!
If you think you're about to read a snarky takedown of picking apples, guess again, because despite traveling to two different orchards, nobody in my family picked a single apple. The first orchard, to be fair, had a lot of rules. First, somebody told my wife she wasn't allowed to bring in her purse. Second, I don't remember: The gatekeepers were just generally weird and scary. So, for some reason, we bought a lot of peaches. Has anyone in our family ever eaten a peach? Possibly. Now we have approximately three hundred of them.
We knew what to expect from the next orchard, namely more not apple picking. This orchard has so many places for children to play, it's a miracle anyone ever picks apples. Here's what we did instead of picking apples: Eat apple donuts (close), drink apple cider (arguably closer), get stuck inside a plastic tube (daughter), shimmy inside the tube to retrieve the child while people gathered worriedly around one open end of said tube (wife), burst into tears after being told it made Mama very sad he said he didn't want to pose for a picture (son), stare expressionless into the distance (me).
Possible solutions!
1) Stop eating fruits and vegetables
2) Start picking less popular produce, such as potatoes
3) Go apple picking again very soon (extremely likely)
Tractor
Tractor
Ship
Ship
Train
Watch out Miranda is driving!
Before the doom
Happy pumpkin
Confused ghost
