Mom's Time

Here we are again. Just as what happened with Dad, mom is no longer able to talk or live, but we must still wait for death. All I can do for her is make sure she gets adequate pain medication by watching her for signs of pain and advocating for her with nurses and doctors. At night, her boyfriend Bob and I take turns sleeping in her room. We never leave her alone, but this is a very painful and lonely time for all of us. Just like with Dad, I don't want to write about her in past tense, but I do want to write about her, so I'll do it in this strange in-between time.

Mom

Back when mom had me there were no sonograms but she claims she knew she was having a girl and bought only baby girl clothes. If she said so, it had to be so. Back then, fathers waited outside the delivery room so she is the first person I ever met, and the person I've known the longest.

 

Getting to know each other

So who is she? She is beautiful. She has always been beautiful, but like a fairytale princess with a strange curse, with each year she has grown lovelier.

1972, with her parents ar her quinceañera

1985, her wedding to my dad (age 28)

2004, my graduate school graduation (age 47)

2006 (age 49)

2009, my wedding (age 52)

For many people, one of the greatest revelations of her character was when my dad was dying of cancer. She was at my dad's side every day, all day, throughout his illness. She advocated for him and slept on a cot by his side in the hospital for a week. I was surprised that some people were surprised. She has always been a good person to go to in need or illness. A rainy weather friend or a dancing friend. She has always been an advocate and she has never been afraid to be disliked in her advocacy. Now that she is dying, I am standing in her shoes as a caregiver, and they are expensive high heels that I find difficult to walk in.

Our last Christmas together 2009

Twenty-fifth Anniversary 2010

She is strong, independent, and a fierce fighter. I am not like her in this regard, but it's not too late for me to grow in that direction. She can be loyal, but if she needs to, she can start over again. After my dad passed away, she had to pull together a life all over again. She had to find a job more than once, she had to change apartments, she had to fight cancer. No one wants to do all that, much less repeatedly, but she pulled herself up over and over again and did it.

And that goes for double for love. After a love like my dad, most people wouldn't realize that there was still more love in the world for them. But she has always believed that everyone deserves a true deep love. More to the point, she believes, and so do I, that kind of love is attainable for everyone. Not all love is the same, but as she said- it's what most of this trip is about. She started dating Bob in February 2012.

Bob and Mom, June 2012

Wild girl with Bob, June 2013

Meeting Miranda, April 2014

Mom and Bob at a wedding, 2015

Weekend lunch dates with Bob, 2016

Her other loves- James:

Meeting James, 2011

Nap time


Kisses, 2013

Kisses, 2015

Miranda:

Meeting Miranda, 2014


Hair bows! 2014


Tickling, 2015



Reading, 2015

Lipstick, 2016

Mother's Day 2017

And her other loves, her friends and other family:

60th Birthday

Bob's family

Brunch

Onel and Tania

Dancing night

Fancy Tea with Yayas

Cousins Moises and Magaly

High School Friends

Work friends from Alice & Olivia

Dinner

Diner with Sandy and Yvonne

Elaine, Richard, and Griffin

Her oncology nurses

Sylvia, mom, Arelys, Yohana

Jen, Ampy, mom, and me

Family picture

I love my mother and will miss her. I also think the world will miss her love and style, more than they know.

Hollywood style, even in the middle of cancer treatments

Mom Update- October 2017

After Richard and Elaine visited on Saturday, Bob sat with Mom for a while. She was cold so he tucked her in and stepped out for a minute. At some point, I randomly decided to check on her and she was shaking. I tried to wake her up but she couldn't respond so I called that at-home hospice number and they talked me through giving her some dissolving morphine and a sedative. They sent a nurse out afterward.

Since then she's been unable to get up or swallow. She had a few bites of a bagel she was craving on Saturday morning. On Sunday she started talking a little more again, so Bob got her some Ensure to drink since it has extra nutrients. She took two sips. She kept having a few sips of water here and there but since she can't swallow pills we're not sure how much water she was getting and then she stopped getting any water aside that which I mixed with her dissolving meds.

Her pain med requirements kept going up Monday and Tuesday. With at-home hospice every time I needed her dosage increased I had to call and explain that she was in pain, and then wait for the prescription to be changed. I'm obviously not a skilled nurse and moving her minimally for care hurts her too. I finally moved her back to in-patient hospice care so that they can administer morphine through an IV and care for her in a more skilled way. Her room has a pull-out couch so I'm staying here throughout the day and I'm sleeping overnight.

I've been meeting all the friends she made on the staff the first time she stayed here. She chatted with everyone and everyone has mentioned how she put on her makeup each day she was here last time. No one expected her back so soon.

Mom Moved In With Us 2017

Mom moved into our house a week ago. We're over some initial move-in bumps. There's lot of stuff to do relating to medication, hospice visits, and especially with sorting out Mom's previous life. Little by little, Kevin and I are making progress.

Mom hanging out while kids play together

Miranda is happy to have Nana here and hangs out with her a lot

Nana's room is all decorated now!

Other side of Nana's room

Miranda and James are sharing James's room.

 

Other side of kids' room

Miranda hanging with Nana


Sleeping Beauty Stealing Nana's Bed

Also, Mike and Havi sent us dinner the other night and I finally got mom to try Thai food. Of course, after years of resisting it... she liked it!

Mom in Hospice- September 2017

Mom's cancer treatment was cut off recently because it had become ineffective. She had additional growths on her liver. There are no other kidney cancer treatments available that she hasn't tried.

Subsequently, Mom took a turn for the worse over Labor Day weekend, and her doctor sent her to the ER on Wednesday. Bob was with her all day Wednesday while they slowly decided to admit her to the hospital. Bob and I were in the hospital with Mom on Thursday and Friday. Friday night I moved her permanently to Long Island to be near me, Kevin, and the kids.

Mom's oncologist recommended hospice as the next step. She's past the stage where she can reasonably do any kind of assisted living arrangement. Mom and I weighed hospice against rehab and Mom decided hospice was better to manage her pain. Hospice is a type of care not a place. She's temporarily at a facility while we figure out how to adjust her pain medication and get our house set up to move with her in with us. She'll get hospice at our home as well once she moves in.

Kids, Kevin, and Mom


Mom took a selfie. Yep.

Kissing Nana on the way home.