Things My Wife Complains About #27: Buying Her Gourmet Cupcakes

My wife complained the other day that nobody brings her cupcakes. She said this not in the tone of "nobody brings me flowers" but in the tone of "nobody brings me oxygen." You are encouraged to imagine my pregnant wife on a respirator of cupcakes, complaining.

I told her to find a place that sells the cupcakes she wanted, and the next day I went to that place. The cupcake she selected was 975 calories and cost $4.50. I used to buy pitchers of beer for less than that in graduate school. Probably, some of you are old enough to have purchased homes for that price.

The cupcake was a complaint-fest from the beginning: It was too big, too sugary, too cake-y (?). Then, when she attempted to consume the cupcake, a series of unfortunate events occurred wherein she was wearing most of the cupcake, and milk was everywhere. This, obviously, was my fault.

I didn't leap to her rescue fast enough. I focused on cleaning the couch, not helping her, and I hadn't even bothered to wipe chocolate off the milk cup. What, she asked earnestly, had I been doing? I had been reassessing the place of the cupcake in my life. It was a soul-searching moment.

Possible solutions!

1) Replace cupcakes with literally any other food item
2) Admit that I forced her to spill the cupcake and, in fact, secretly relished the experience
3) Question a pregnant woman's cravings (hard)

 

Crumb's Thin Mint Cupcake

The 12 Cravings of Christmas 2013

On the first day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: A tall glass of fat-free milk!

On the second day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: 2 Dove bars
And a tall glass of fat-free milk!

On the third day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: 3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of fat-free milk!

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: 4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of fat-free milk!

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: 5 onion riiiiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of fat-free milk!

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: 6 Reeses cups,
5 onion riiiiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of fat-free milk!

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: 7 sparkling juices,
6 Reeses cups,
5 onion riiiiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of fat-free milk!

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love fetched for me: 8 milk shakes,
7 sparkling juices,
6 Reeses cups,
5 onion riiiiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of vanilla soy milk!

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love fetched for me: 9 lady-fingers,
8 milk shakes,
7 sparkling juices,
6 Reeses cups,
5 onion riiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of 1% milk!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love fetched for me:10 Lifesaver gummies,
9 lady-fingers,
8 milk shakes,
7 sparkling juices,
6 Reeses cups,
5 onion riiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of 2% milk!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love fetched for me: 11 Original Bugles,
10 Lifesaver gummies,
9 lady-fingers,
8 milk shakes,
7 sparkling juices,
6 Reeses cups,
5 onion riiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of who-oooole milk!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love fetched for me: 12 seedless grapes!
11 Original Bugles,
10 Lifesaver gummies,
9 lady-fingers,
8 milk shakes,
7 sparkling juices,
6 Reeses cups,
5 onion riiiiings!
4 candy canes,
3 French fries,
2 Dove bars,
And a tall glass of chocolate milk!