Diary of an Angry Pink Baby #9: Eating

Everyone said Miranda looked like James when she was born, which makes sense since they were both enormous. Now that Miranda has thinned to a svelte young woman, it's easier to see all the ways in which they're different. For instance, Miranda sleeps at night! (James only began sleeping at night in January, and he's still not exactly maintaining a regular schedule: Despite no longer napping, he's presently [4:00 pm] passed out in front of the television, as "No Signal!" bounces around the blue screen.) Also: Miranda doesn't take a bottle, which means she eats ALL DAY LONG. Here's a comprehensive list of the things Miranda does besides eat and sleep:

1) Smile because she's going to the bathroom
2) Smile because she's surreptitiously going to the bathroom, though you think she's smiling at you

That's it! That's the list.

Miranda's non-stop eating has been hard on my wife, since she's breakfast, lunch, dinner, fourth meal (copyright: Taco Bell), brunch, snack, nightcap, etc. My wife has responded to her new role admirably, feeding on demand, while simultaneously moving several thousand photos from one computer to another and watching whole seasons of previously unheard-of shows on Netflix. James has also risen to the occasion, showering his sister with generous affection, though his three-year-old ego is now so fragile he has a complete breakdown if even the slightest thing doesn't go his way. Ketchup on his face, for instance, is a crisis. Another crisis would be removing ketchup from his face. James has developed a nearly erotic attachment to the itsy bitsy spider, which is the last thing he thinks of before sleeping and first thing he thinks of upon waking. He sings the nursery rhyme on unending loop and looks for the spider in every drainpipe. A typical summer afternoon consists of James running around the living room screaming DOWN CAME THE RAIN while my wife feeds Miranda and I look for my wife's phone, which is invariably next to her, usually physically touching her.

Smiling?

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