Friday, May 6, 2016

Things My Wife Complains About #31 Bedtime Etiquette

I did something bad. I slept on a decorative pillow. I've been sent to husband jail. It's filled with men who slept on decorative pillows. Every man's story is the same: He saw a pillow where he sleeps, so he slept on it. The guards, who are all wives, have no mercy for our ignorance. They only allow sleeping pillows on our cots. These are the worst kinds of pillows. It's a hell none of us could have imagined, this absence of decorative pillows, this outrageous economy wherein pillows function simply as sleeping devices. I feel like an animal.

I did something else bad. I filled the glass I leave on my wife's bedside table each night too high, and she "spilled water everywhere." It was something that could have been prevented had I measured better. Fortunately, now that I'm in jail, my tyranny of water pouring is finished. I can only assume every glass of water is poured perfectly, and her sleep--her whole day--is better for it. It's worth noting, perhaps, that my wife admits to "never drinking water." As such, water glasses function only as things to be spilled. I thought I understood what pillows and glasses were for until I got married.

Possible solutions!
1) Stay in husband jail indefinitely
2) Break out of husband jail and fill bedroom with decorative pillows and perfectly-poured glasses of water to show I get it
3) Don't sleep on decorative pillows or pour so much water (hard)

April 2016
Using the decorative pillows

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...