Three Years Since I Lost My Dad 2013

It's been three years since I lost my dad. I wasn't going to write anything because I've written a lot about losing my dad over the last three years, but I feel like I owe it to all of you I know who have lost someone in the last few years to tell you, it no longer feels like a crushing horror. I no longer feel the need to relive the worst moments. I'm not sure exactly when it started getting better, but it did.

My love for him didn't diminish. I didn't start to forget him. I still miss him. I still feel the protection of his love for me. It's just that three years have helped me push a lot of the pain away. Inch by inch, most of the pain is far away now. But not the good parts.

I don't expect it is exactly the same for other people. We are all different, with different losses, and different supports in our life. But maybe my experience can at least provide hope to those of you going through your own losses.

Dad at 38 or 39. (1987 or 1988)

• At first it was brutal.
• My lessons from cancer
• Love survives death
• The first Thanksgiving

Mom's Diagnosis 2013

August 14th, my mother had some pain and thought she might have kidney stones, so she went straight to the hospital. They diagnosed her with a kidney infection and gave her some antibiotics but also gave her a scan and sent her for another more detailed scan. About a week later, her doctor told her she had a mass in her kidney and she needed to make an appointment with a urologist to determine what it was. She had the appointment on September 5, and the urologist confirmed that she has renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer) and that her kidney needs to be removed. So far we have no indication that it has spread, but the tumor will be sent to a lab for further analysis.

Obviously we're very disappointed about this news. It's particularly disconcerting that it's the same cancer as the one my dad had. In many ways it feels like we took a time machine back to 2010, which is the last year I'd ever want to visit. Still, I know she's really lucky that she felt some pain and went to the hospital right away, because kidney cancer usually presents with no symptoms until it spreads. We're also really hopeful that her surgery will go well, and she'll have minimal problems going forward.

 

Me and Mom at Ash's Barn Party in August

Her surgery isn't scheduled until October 9, and she's feeling okay right now, except she's a little tried. Mom has been trying to stay positive, enjoy her free time with good friends, and she's even adopted a healthier cancer-fighting diet in the meanwhile. She's had numerous family and friends offering to help her through the surgery and after. And my friends have been really amazing too, offering to help in every way possible. (Hint: Food for after the surgery. ;) Love you guys.)

Mom smooching James in July

Visiting Wendy and Clark Upstate 2013

We arrived Monday afternoon. First, let me show you what it looks like around Wendy and Clark's house. It kind of makes you wonder why the rest of us are doing everything wrong. Haha! No, really.

The forest all around their home

James making himself at home - notice the forest outside all the windows.

James taking notice of his two-day obsession, the record player

They live on the New York border close to the Berkshires in Massachusetts. So after some cheese and bread snacks, we drove into the small town of Stockton, MA to go for a walk and to give Jame some time at the playground.

James in Stockton, MA

Stockton playground with beautiful view of the mountains

Possibly the last roundabout in America- Kevin is trying to keep James from falling

Clark had work on Monday, but when he got home we had a delicious dinner Wendy made. James ate a little and then played on the dining room floor with some toys Wendy got him while the rest of us finished. After James got a bath in the deep bathroom sink and went to bed, we all retired to their studio. It's huge and filled with instruments and sound equipment. It was one of their main requirements for a house, and it's really impressive. And since they live in the woods, none of the neighbors can hear them practice. It's the perfect setup. We had a good time relaxing and talking.

Tuesday, James and I got up early and it was pretty chilly, so I grabbed my car-snuggie and put him inside it kangaroo-style. Haha. Clark took off from work so we could hang out all day, so mid-afternoon we set out for Great Barrington, MA which is also in the Berkshires. We did a little window shopping and got some ice cream at Blue Marble because we recognized the brand from Brooklyn.

James loves Great Barrington

Clark checking out some threads

 
Rock n' Roll

On the way to Great Barrington, we passed the Circle Museum in Austerlitz, NY, and I demanded we go on the way back and check it out. Again, I love this crazy stuff. (If it makes for a fun picture- pull over! I need to go to there!)

Wendy, James, Kevin, and me at the Circle Museum

The sculpture garden has a great view of the mountains

James is either looking in, or blowing the horn

Clark was the chef this evening. He made several delicious pizzas from scratch, and even got Kevin involved picking out all the toppings for one. We all ate tons more pizza than we needed because it was so tasty.We picnicked outside which we really enjoyed. Although James was pretty determined to go jump in the bog in their yard or at least break their grill,so Kevin had to run a lot of interference. Thank you for a lovely two days, Clark and Wendy! We love your new neighborhood. (Sorry we never visited you in the Bronx!)

Clark making awesome pizza from scratch

Kevin adding toppings to the pizza

Wendy opening some wine

He looks a little out of it but James loved the pizza and said yummy yummy while eating

Clark and Wendy had just returned from visiting Clark's father when we visited. Sadly, Clark's father passed away from cancer this week, very close to the anniversary of Wendy's mother passing. Our hearts are with Clark and his family: Wendy, his mother, and his sister.

Avery and her Grandmother 2013

I've been thinking a lot about my friends in Vermont, Aubree, her husband Patrick and their little girl Avery. A week and half ago, Avery overslept. Aubree got a bad feeling about it, so she went to check on her, and Avery was breathing but non-responsive. I cannot even imagine the horror. Aubree reacted quickly and called for an ambulance. The rescue team was able to check her on the way over. Her blood sugar was low and they were able to bring her back to consciousness promptly, but the family had to stay at the hospital for several days over the holiday weekend while they tested her to see what was wrong. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you look at it, they weren't able to find anything wrong.

Avery back to her beautiful happy self

The three of them had just gotten home when Patrick's mother had to be admitted to the hospital and suddenly passed away. She had fought cancer around the same time my dad did, and for two wonderful years she was winning the battle. In those years she got to meet and love Avery and spend more time with all of her family. Patrick was very close to her and since they live fairly close to each other they saw each other frequently. His mother was an extremely positive and inspiring person, and every extra day with her was a gift. But losing someone that wonderful is all the more painful. I know the sad journey that Patrick is beginning now, and I wish there was something I could do to help. But I know his mother's love is there supporting him, and that her love is so strong that it will eventually guide him back to happiness.

Aubree, Patrick, Avery and Patrick's parents

Avery and her grandmother Ginny

I hope that Avery grows up to be the kind of inspiring woman her grandmother was, and I hope Avery has an angel looking down on her as she goes through her follow up appointments with the doctor.

Casey's Accident 2013

On Friday morning I woke up to terrifying news. Jon told me he'd heard Casey had been in a car accident. It's been a very scary few weeks for our friends and it felt like another horrible thing was crashing down on us. Kevin was still sleeping when I heard so I tried to get as much information and contact Casey's wife Victoria before I woke him up to tell him anything. Since we couldn't really get any information, I waited until Kevin got up. I started with the most important part first. Casey was stable in the hospital and we were expecting him to recover.

Later we found out that he had been hit by a cab while he was riding his bicycle to the T on Thursday night. When he woke up he was in the ER at Mass General. When we first heard he was at Mass General we worried that he was there because he'd been sent there for serious injuries because it's one of the best hospitals in the area. It turned out that the accident had taken place near Mass General so they were able to rush him there easily. His wife Victoria and his two kids live some distance outside of Boston so it took some time for Victoria to get there and see exactly what was happening.

 

Casey and his family near their home in Massachusetts

Casey is home recovering with his family. He still has a ways to go. I hope he knows how very loved he is by all of his friends and family.

There is this terrible feeling when you find out that you have suddenly lost someone you care about, or that you might lose someone you care about. Not just the pain and the horror, but also the regret. You wish you had seen them more, told them more how much you cared, loved them even better than you did. Over the years that follow, I will endeavor to do those things. If we're lucky we won't have to be reminded of loss for many years to come.

Update: The Boston Police report says that the head coach of the Boston Bruins Claude Julien witnessed the accident, called for help, and stayed with Casey until the ambulance arrived. How amazing! Thank you for saving our friend, coach!

Pray for Owen 2013

I only blog about a small group of our close family and friends. As a shorthand, most them were the people we invited to our wedding. We love these people and their destinies are closely entwined with ours. Their happiness is our happiness, their sorrow is our sorrow, and I imagine that most of them feel the same way.

Two weeks ago, our friends Chrissy and Jason's little boy Owen was diagnosed with cancer. He'll be 3.5 this June, and the horror of our little friend having to deal with a serious disease, much less at this age is more than any of us know how to handle. We think of him constantly and literally hundreds of people are praying for him every day.

One of my favorite photos- Jason, Chrissy, and Owen at our home

Chrissy and Jason have been amazing parents since Owen was in the womb. Many of you know that in the last few years I've commented that I am impressed at what a good and patient mother Chrissy has grown up to be, and she knows I've been impressed because I've constantly asked her for advice since James was born. Once they learned Owen is sick, they began treatment immediately at one of the best children's hospitals in the country and Jason shaved his head in solidarity with his little boy. They are amazing, and Owen has the most incredible support. He's been improving steadily and I have all the hope in the world that the whole family will get through this well. But even so, it's so deeply unfair for anyone to have to go through this at all.

Meeting Owen at 3 months, March 2010

I want you guys to pray like crazy for Owen. To help you with that I want to tell you about how much I love him. Owen was the youngest person at my wedding because Chrissy was about 3 months pregnant with him then. I met him for the first time 3 months after he was born in March of 2010. You can see from the picture above that he is one gorgeous baby. I fell in love with those pouty Shiloh Pitt lips that he is still currently rocking. And I immediately started telling him inappropriate stories about his mother as a crazy 20-something. That's how we bonded.

The next time I saw Owen that July, Chrissy and I were both at the hospital because her mom and my dad were fighting cancer. He was the little light in all the darkness we were suffering. I talked to Chrissy about how I'd been hoping to get pregnant soon, but with my dad sick, I felt lost. I still remember Chrissy saying, "Thank God for Owen, I love babies." I was pregnant with James by the end of the month.

 

Gwen, Matthew, Chrissy, and Owen, December 2010

When I saw Owen again that Christmas, Chrissy's mom and my dad were gone, and the only thing that made that first Christmas even a little bearable was our other loved ones. Owen was just starting to try to pull up on furniture and kept trying to crawl away into trouble. I was pregnant with James, and Chrissy gleefully poked my tummy.

Although Chrissy and Jason came to meet James as soon as he was born, Owen and James met for the first time the following December. Owen was exactly two years old then, and full of energy. He ran up and down our halls with one of James's walking push-toys. James was just 8 months but he was inspired by Owen. After the visit, James started trying to walk.

Christmas 2011

When we went to visit Chrissy, Jason, and Owen last May in Cincinnati, Hailey was still cooking, so the boys got to spend more time together. Here's the two them poking each other during the photo like brothers. They  ate pizza together, played with Owen's toys, and watched a little How to Train Your Dragon together. Owen was starting to talk a lot more and I could tell he's super smart.

In Cincy together in 2012

Playing at Owen's water table

Look at Owen's smile! Owen, Jason, and James playing cars, May 2012

I most recently saw Owen in Ramsey in October. Technically I was there to meet Hailey, but James got lots of time with his buddy.

James, Kevin, Owen, and Jason playing ball

Look at these cute baby boys watching a video together

Owen is my little buddy. James totally looks up to him. We love him, and we are so looking forward to our next visit with him. So please pray that he is 100% healthy again fast fast fast.

Chris Sheldon 2013

My friend Chris passed away last weekend from cardiac arrest. He was only 35 years old. I know many of you reading this were also his friend. I last chatted with him online in February after he sent my son James In the Night Garden, a strange British children's book. Technically, Chris was my ex-boyfriend from 9 years ago, but what was important was that he was still, all these years later, my real friend.

He told me his wife Kerrie was beautiful and wonderful. He said she was good to him, better even than he thought he deserved, and that she took great care of him. She gave him everything that made his life good: her love, a home, and three beautiful sons. Because of that, he had grown up. He was serious about his career, and he was serious about providing for his family.

With his wife Kerrie around the time of their 6th wedding anniversary, 2013

He loved his boys like crazy. He would never have left his family by choice; he would have done anything to take care of them. He loved his parents in a completely pure way because he felt they had given him a great childhood, and he was so excited to do the same for his boys. 

With his oldest son, Aaron in 2009

With his second son Finley, 2009

His youngest son, Cole, 2012

With his stepfather and his mum in 2002


Chris and his dad at Stonehenge in 2002

His loss is felt deeply by his family and his friends. We will all miss him dearly and forever. He believed in chasing happiness; that life was for being happy. He definitely found his bliss with Kerrie and his boys. As impossible as it is for his family right now, he would want them to heal and be really happy. He would also want everyone to refer to him as handsome as often as possible. Though he'd probably use the expression "sexy beast."

Boston Marathon Bombing 2013

The Boston bombing was truly horrific. It's so sad for all of our country. I'm so glad that the amazing first responders, doctors, and nurses saved a 100 wounded people. That's truly amazing.

Please take a look at the videos if you haven't already and see if you can identify the FBI's suspects: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/special/national/boston-marathon-explosions-map/index.html

And if you can, give blood! We're planning our next appointment soon.

Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting 2012

We were so deeply saddened by the horrific loss of so many lives this Friday in Newtown, Connecticut. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the 20 children and 7 adults who were killed and the community of Newtown. Everyone I know has cried again and again for the families. My friends and I are of the age when some of us understand personal loss, and some of us understand what it means to be a parent. The loss of a child is an unspeakable horror. I hope that our country does whatever it takes to protect our children in the future.

Anniversary of My Father's Birthday 2012

It's been two years since my dad's 61st birthday, his last birthday, and two years since his diagnosis. The hurt is still very acute though mercifully it's not as constant. I think of him every day, but most days it's just memories of him. Like any great loss, it's difficult for other people to understand, even if they've gone through something similar, or lost the same person. Ultimately we are all alone in our grief, and that makes it harder.

One thing I've learned though, is that what they say about love surviving death is true. My father loved me and he was good to me, and I still possess that love. When I feel particularly sad, I remind myself that he wouldn't want me to be sad. His love makes it easier to let myself be happy.

Dad, hanging out in my dressing room on my wedding day, June 2009

Grandpa Buff 2011

Last Saturday, Kevin's grandfather George passed away at 93 years old. He was extremely well-loved. He was the last grandfather Kevin and I had and one of the best men I have known. I am certain he is one of the reasons Kevin is such an amazing husband and father. At his wake and funeral this week, I felt proud that James is his great grandson.

This is what Kevin said about him the day of the funeral:

By anyone’s estimation, my grandfather’s life was an overwhelming success.

George Altimus Rogers was married for over sixty years to a woman who cherished him so deeply she withstood thousands of hours of sports she did not care for and pretended not to understand. Only occasionally—when the table was set and dinner was warm—would she say, Turn off the idiot box, Buffy.

He had four children—Nesie and Mary and Dick and my mother—all of whom were by his side when he died. He had four grandchildren—Katie and Chris and Andrew and me—and one great grandchild, all of whom visited him during his final days. He owned a business, ran a farm, and served his country overseas. You are not likely to meet someone else who can say this.

He was the only Red Sox fan I know who was alive when the team won the World Series in 2007, 2004, and 1918. As a kid, he crafted wooden nickels in shop class to circumvent the turnstile and sneak into Boston Braves games. The last time we spoke, he had opinions about the Patriots’ defense.

Everyday he listened to an AM radio older than I am and read two newspapers. Until it was no longer possible, he kept himself fit playing golf and gardening. His mind he kept sharp with crosswords. He told me he liked all of the presidents. For decades, he sat in a comfortable chair beside my grandmother and looked at peace.

My grandfather attended my graduations and my wedding. When my son James gripped his finger, he called him Jimmy. My grandfather and I had an entirely uncomplicated relationship. He treated me with respect, and I respected him tremendously. When someone lives a life as long and rich in meaning as my grandfather did, you feel very grateful and, for a time, you feel very sad.

I will miss the earnest greeting he unfailingly delivered to me—and then my wife Ericka and later James—when we came to see him. I will miss the reverence with which his chair was treated—both in the living room and at the head of the table—and his perpetually stained slacks. I will miss his indifference toward those stains. I will miss the long silences my grandfather and I shared waiting for the pitcher to throw the ball to the batter. I will even miss the fable of how he ate every part of the apple, though I suspect my grandmother will keep this story in circulation.

I will miss a lot of things about my grandfather because there were a lot of things to appreciate and to admire. We will all miss him and, in doing so, we will honor what a great grandfather and father and husband and man he was.

With his kids and grandchildren in 2007


At our wedding in 2009


Celebrating his 60th wedding anniversary in 2010


Meeting his great-grandson James in 2011


James's fourth trip to visit his great grandpa and our last photo together

My Grandmother Mima Passed Away

My maternal grandmother took care of me for a few years when I was little.  She was there when I lost my first tooth. She moved to Miami with my grandfather in about 1993. She stayed there when my grandfather died in 1997.  She was only 62 at that time, but she never dated again. She was the second call I made after my parents when Kevin proposed. When I told her I was pregnant she screamed with delight.  She was making some kind of crib bedding for the baby, and we were both looking forward to her visiting after the baby was born (in about 12 weeks).  The last time I talked to her a day ago she asked about the baby and reminded me to send her pictures of my belly because she hadn't seen it yet.

My mother spoke to the doctor yesterday afternoon and he said my grandmother had emphysema and bronchitis but she would be fine, and he would have sent her home with oxygen already except she has a cortisone allergy so they couldn't give her cortisone. They gave her an anticoagulant shot in her stomach as a matter of routine and she developed a subcutaneous hematoma (a bruise). It was causing her pain, so they gave her pain killers. She lost lucidity and was in and out after that. The doctor put her on the subacute cardiac floor even though he said her heart was fine so that they could observe her more carefully.  Yesterday after her friend Sylvia went home for the evening, she died from a pulmonary embolism.

Do you understand? Because I don't. I don't understand anything. Today is the two month anniversary of my father passing away. If anyone says, "Everything happens for a reason," one more time, I am going to scream.

It's snowing in New York this morning.

With my grandmother on Christmas when I was 3 and she was 48

The week of my college graduation, she was 66 years old

Visiting Mima in 2007, 72 years old

Dancing with my grandmother at my wedding 2009, 74 years old

The city exists

   "The harbor faces north, in shadow. The docks are high over the black water, which slams against the retaining walls; stone steps descend, made slippery by seaweed. Boats smeared with tar are tied up, waiting for the departing passengers lingering on the quay to bid their families farewell. The farewells take place in silence, but with tears. It is cold; all wear shawls over their heads. A shout from the boatman puts a stop to the delays; the traveler huddles at the prow, moves off looking toward the group of those remaining behind; from the shore his features can no longer be discerned; the boat draws up beside a vessel riding at anchor; on the ladder a diminished form climbs up, vanishes; the rusted chain is heard being raised, scraping against the hawsepipe. The people remaining behind look over the ramparts above the rocks of the pier, their eyes following the ship until it rounds the cape; for the last time they wave a white rag.
    "Set out, explore every coast, and seek this city," the Khan says to Marco. "Then come back and tell me if my dream corresponds to reality."
    "Forgive me, my lord, there is no doubt that sooner or later I shall set sail from that dock," says Marco, "but I shall not come back to tell you about it. The city exists and it has a simple secret: it knows only departures, not returns."

- Italo Calvino, Invisible Cities

Dad Passed Away

Dad passed away today.

Dad's Time

We don't know how long dad has left but it's matter of days now. He's in pain and he's suffering. He's on a lot of pain medication, so he's incoherent or asleep most of the time. But we figure that's better than him being in more pain.

To say that he doesn't deserve this is a vast understatement. He's a wonderful and generous person. For the 25 to 26 years that I've known him he exercised and ate well and encouraged me to do the same. He practiced yoga, meditation, and tai chi. At 61-years-old, he looks ten years younger.  He helped all his elderly neighbors. He gave money to people he didn't even know who needed his help. Even now in the hospital he worries about my mother and me, and even about the nurses. Some of the nurses have cried for him.

That's the easy stuff to explain. It's so hard to explain what he's done for me and for my mother. I can't speak to the entirety of my parents' relationship, but he is the kind of husband other people envy. He worked and he also cooked and ran the household chores. He was devoted and faithful to my mother for over 25 years. She tells the nurses and anyone who will listen that he never so much as raised his voice to her. The evidence of their mutual love is that my mother has been at his side every day all day throughout his illness, and she has never considered it one minute more than he deserves.

With mom in Charlottesville in 2007

My dad has always put me before himself. Without him, I wouldn't be half the person I am. I read the books he gave me, learned the big words from him, and followed him around the house to talk to him. I would talk to him about everything, from the possibility of alien life forms to boys and kissing. He chaperoned my enrichment trips. He came to my field hockey games even though I wasn't very good and sometimes he had to see me get hurt. He came to my concerts even though I was worse at music. When he got kidney cancer the first time in 1999, his biggest concern was that I be able to finish college. I was blessed that I got to keep him for another 11 years and that he was able to walk me down the aisle and dance with me at my wedding. (I waited for 30 years to marry a man who I thought was as wonderful as my father.)  He came to my graduations for kindergarten, eighth grade, high school, college, my masters program, law school, and to my bar swearing-in ceremony.  When I told him I was pregnant he cried with happiness and kissed my hand because he couldn't reach up to kiss me from the hospital gurney. At a foot taller than me, he has called me "Shorty" my entire life.

With me on Cape Cod in 2004

Occasionally, I explain to someone that my dad is actually my stepfather, but I never once heard him call me his stepdaughter, and not once did he ever make me feel like anything other than his child completely. When I look around I see that not only do I have a wonderful father, but I have a better father than almost everyone else. The expression, "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family," doesn't apply to us. We chose each other to be family. I love my dad.