Things My Wife Complains About #31 Bedtime Etiquette

I did something bad. I slept on a decorative pillow. I've been sent to husband jail. It's filled with men who slept on decorative pillows. Every man's story is the same: He saw a pillow where he sleeps, so he slept on it. The guards, who are all wives, have no mercy for our ignorance. They only allow sleeping pillows on our cots. These are the worst kinds of pillows. It's a hell none of us could have imagined, this absence of decorative pillows, this outrageous economy wherein pillows function simply as sleeping devices. I feel like an animal.

I did something else bad. I filled the glass I leave on my wife's bedside table each night too high, and she "spilled water everywhere." It was something that could have been prevented had I measured better. Fortunately, now that I'm in jail, my tyranny of water pouring is finished. I can only assume every glass of water is poured perfectly, and her sleep--her whole day--is better for it. It's worth noting, perhaps, that my wife admits to "never drinking water." As such, water glasses function only as things to be spilled. I thought I understood what pillows and glasses were for until I got married.

Possible solutions!
1) Stay in husband jail indefinitely
2) Break out of husband jail and fill bedroom with decorative pillows and perfectly-poured glasses of water to show I get it
3) Don't sleep on decorative pillows or pour so much water (hard)

Using the decorative pillows

Things My Wife Complains About #28: Pillows

Here is a quick pillow breakdown of the master bedroom:

Normal pillows: 4

Decorative pillows: 2

"Pregnancy" pillows: 2

"Wedge": 1

Total pillows: 9

I am allowed to use one pillow, but this pillow is given begrudgingly, as my wife claims I use no pillows. Actually, she claims I'm actively hostile toward pillows. (Apparently, this is genetic, as my brother did not even own pillows until my wife, horrified, insisted we buy him pillows.) In any event, two nights ago James figured out how to drench his pillow in urine, so now I have zero pillows. 

My wife complains, repeatedly, that there are "no pillows." I'm not sure how many pillows a queen-size bed can support, but nine seems like a lot with one six-foot non-pregnant person and one five-foot pregnant person. Often, my wife complains that I'm taking up too much room, which is sensible given that she is invariably surrounded on three sides by pillows. Only her feet have no pillows.

Of course, the nine pillows are never on the bed at the same time because the two decorative pillows are only allowed to be on the bed when people are not. I don't want to get into how ridiculous this is to me because I recognize that the concept of decorative pillows makes complete sense to about half the people in the world and no sense to the other half, and there is no gray area or hope of conversion.

It's also worth noting that one pregnancy pillow was recently banished for reasons I don't understand.

Possible solutions!

1) Replace me with Kevin-shaped pillow

2) Fill house with pillows, so wife might fall asleep anywhere at any time in comfort

3) Deal with a pregnant woman's demands for another half a month (hard)

James likes the pregnancy pillow

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